


Don't Let Me Go

by iammisscullen



Category: One Direction, Zarry - Fandom
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Oneshot, a bit angst, head canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-06
Updated: 2014-03-06
Packaged: 2018-01-14 18:05:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1275862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iammisscullen/pseuds/iammisscullen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry was all alone again because Zayn had wandered off somewhere. Harry wants to hold on but maybe it was time to let go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Let Me Go

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Basically the sequel to [Tired Of Sleeping Alone](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1086463). Hope you enjoy! :) xx

Harry had trusted what Cal had shared to him or what he had read on the man’s Twitter last time, ‘Believe none of what you hear and only have of what you.’ But maybe human instincts weren’t that exposed much to such wisdom because when Harry had read Zayn’s tweet a he felt like someone had pulled the carpet under him and he was falling from behind. He remembered what Taylor Swift had said that everything that falls, breaks. And Harry thought he could no longer be damaged, but he was wrong.

 

_@zaynmalik: So proud of my baby !! Download the tune and keep it @ # 1 !! :) xx_

 

_@zaynmalik: smarturl.it/lmsalute !! Here’s the link :) x_

 

 _My baby_. Harry still couldn’t believe what he was seeing. After that kiss they’ve shared in the hotel room after doing SNL last December. He let out a snort of disbelief because he shouldn’t be this affected but he was. He wasn’t sure of whom he should be angry more, himself or Zayn. That very instant Harry wanted to call Zayn and tell the boy what huge twat the lad was becoming. He paced back and forth inside his room – well, Ben’s attic – and thought of a logical thing to do. Should he react to this or should he not?

He always knew it was never safe to talk to anyone once you are angry but Harry wanted to let it all out. He felt betrayed because he trusted Zayn but the boy didn’t have the guts to tell Harry that they’ll be a bomb his way. For a second he thought he could trust the tan boy. Well, now Harry knew he can’t.

Tears brimmed at the side of his eyes and he hated the situation more. More than he desired to give Zayn a telling off about loyalty and friendship, his brain was scolding him for putting his delicate heart on the line. It was Zayn though, the person whom Harry would trust his life on, the person whom Harry was irrevocably in loved with. He laughed bitterly because yes, he was sounding like Bella Swan. But fuck it, Zayn could surpass Edward Cullen’s beauty if it came down to that.

He continued to stride to and fro inside the room as if that would suddenly dissipate the pain in his heart and that bloody tweet of Zayn. If this was Zayn’s revenge to him for bailing him for a month while Harry was in LA then it wasn’t funny nor amusing.

It wasn’t like Harry was expecting Zayn not to post anything about Perrie since the two were engaged, or they were pretending to be. Harry doesn’t even know anymore if what Zayn’s status with Perrie was: fake or real. Even his and Zayn’s relationship with each other was vague. They didn’t know where the starting to their relationship start and to where it end.

There it was again that scary unfathomable future that Harry had tried desperately to evade. Not that he knew what would happen to him because no one could predict that. He wanted security, that he will be loved, he will be taken care of, and that he won’t have to sleep alone anymore because he was tired of it. Yet there he was again, lost in the storm because the eye of his tornado had left him, betrayed him.

His phone buzzed and he knew who exactly was calling him. Half of him wanted to pick it up and get it over with but it was overruled by the pain that not even his own anger could wrap into healing. It hurt so much. Zayn didn’t just break Harry’s heart, the boy liquefied it.

There were 3 missed calls. Then a message from Zayn.

 

_Call me when you get this. Don’t go on line. x_

And another one.

 

_Haz, I really need to talk to you. Call me. x_

Haz. Harry snorted bitterly but his heart was feeling the opposite. It just takes one fucking word and it felt like everything was back into place. Of course it wasn’t, but Harry can pretend it was, just on the surface. But then he was tired of pretending, that was all he was doing and he wanted to stop.

Afraid that he might be tempted to answer his phone or call Zayn on his own will, Harry turned off his phone and went back to reading John Green’s _Will Grayson, Will Grayson_. He wasn’t ready to face the music just yet. If he can avoid it, he will. It was like that time on the staircase when he told Zayn that he was tired of sleeping alone and Harry didn’t look back to see the lad’s reaction, scared that he won’t be able to take the rejection. To Harry this is much easier, never knowing the answer so he can forever live in _What If_ ’s.

It was not very ideal to be always thinking of how things could have been but Harry was a coward. He preferred not knowing than being informed and get hurt. He reasoned that it was for the benefit of his heart.

**

Harry had finished half of the book and he realized that it was no longer afternoon outside but dark. He looked out of the window and saw that the light posts were already turned on and a lot of people were on the side of the streets. He opened one of the window and cold February air rushed inside his room. He shivered a little at the sudden contact of the icy air but he didn’t close the opening. The lights of London outside his window contrasted the darkness of the night and it was beautiful like an opposite sky with stars.

He flopped back to his white comfy bed when there was a knock on the door. He didn’t hear how many it was or for how long the person was knocking. The next thing Harry heard were footsteps climbing the short flight of stairs. After a few seconds, Ben emerged from the darkness. The man was wearing a plaid shirt and black pants and Harry didn’t know why he was disappointed to see Ben.

‘Haz.’ Ben had finally reached the top of the stairs.

Harry’s heart ached. The nickname sounded different, not right, when it was someone else who was saying it. He should not be this affected but he was because he had invested his whole heart. He had given Zayn the razor and map.

‘Is everything alright?’ Ben asked, not moving just standing there. He looked awkward somehow and Harry wondered why. It felt like the man wanted to say something but he felt embarrassed to.

‘Spat it out Ben.’ Harry frowned.

Ben scratched the back of his neck with his right hand and looked on the floor instead of Harry. ‘Zayn’s been calling me nonstop,’ he replied, eyes not leaving the floor. But human as he was he peeped under his lashes just to see Harry’s reaction.

Harry’s heart skipped a beat at the sound of the name and he didn’t miss Ben’s gesture that reminded the curly haired boy of Zayn even more. Only the tan boy can do that looking under the lashes thing and make anyone do anything for him. They would be willing to bend the laws of science, nature, philosophy, etc. if it meant that Zayn would look at them like that, if only Zayn would look their way like that.

‘Everything’s okay,’ Harry answered and looked away. He knew that he wasn’t a good liar. He was, not just with Ben. The man was like a father figure to him already that Harry had a hard time being deceitful.

Ben wanted to get more information, Harry knew that but the lad was glad when the man didn’t. ‘Okay,’ he said with a worried sigh. ‘I have to go now. I need to take Meredith to dinner.’ He turned to the stairs. But Ben looked back. ‘Just give him a chance okay? People deserve second chances.’ He smiled and went down the stairs.

 _People deserve second chances_ , were the words that inked on Harry’s brain. But then, there was always exception to the rule. His stubbornness prevailed and instead of calling Zayn back like he should, Harry got his laptop and logged to his blog.

Usually, Harry does the diary writing on his moleskin but if he had time to type it instead of writing it he does on his blog. And yes, he had this blog. It’s a secret blog that no one knew. He dared not told his band mates because he won’t hear the end of it from Louis. He just can’t imagine the banters he’ll get from having a blog.

It wasn’t his purpose to have a blog. It was mostly because he was so stressed out and he just needed a new way to take it out. Writing always helped and that was what he had been doing. It was an escape and a balm to his aching heart and soul.

So far, he only has 142 followers. Not bad if you ask him because he wasn’t looking for attention. Plus, his followers were really active and were always talking to him and comforting him. He hasn’t revealed himself to them, never will he. His blog was one of the places that he doesn’t need to worry about what he’ll say – if people would like it or not. In his blog the only feeling he had to focus on was his.

He began to type.

 

          _It hurts to trust someone and be betrayed by them. But the saddest thing is that I know deep down that I am to be blamed as well. Maybe that is what’s wrong. I trust too much, care too much, love too much, and now I’m hurting too much. I am at fault and I can’t accept that. I did my best, but it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. I didn’t need much. Or maybe I have expected too much of more than what was promised to me. Next time though, I’ll make it clear. I’ll set the boundaries so I’ll know my place. That’s what I am right now. Lost. Out of place. I still wish, and hope that somehow, you’ll find me. Please find me even if I don’t want to be found. I want to hold on but you’ve got to tell me where. –H xx_

 

He closed his laptop and went back to reading _Will Grayson, Will Grayson._ Maybe Tiny’s optimism will do him good.

After 15 minutes or so, Harry opened his laptop again to see who commented on his post. He noticed that he had one new follower; it’s 143 now. He gave a small smile at the number because it can also mean _I love you_. He pretended that it was his followers telling him they love him, even if they don’t know who he was. They like Haz (that’s his name in the blog) and not Harry Styles from One Direction.

There were 5 comments.

14mins

youknowme:

_It wasn’t me. I’m sorry. Please believe me. xx_

12mins

bendydickcumberbutt:

_it’s hard to fall.things that fall break.well, except Sherlock.he lived.and his marrying dr. john watson.spoiler alert. :)_

8mins

whodoctorhere:

_WTF?!!!This again?!!!Just break his or her nose!!!_

7mins

imfabforsure:

_Oh…you poor thing…It’s going to be okay…xx_

3mins

miloismyname

_I’m just here Haz. I’ll hold on unto you. Hold on tight yeah? Don’t let go._

         

The first comment that was posted intrigued Harry. Who could it be? Wait. It was impossible. He refreshed and suddenly there was a new one.

 

16secs

youknowme:

_Haz, I’m sorry. Please talk to me. I need to talk to you. I need to explain. I can explain. I’m sorry. Really sorry. Please answer your phone. xx_

 

Harry blinked a few more times before reading the comment again. This was seriously not just a random comment. A random accident comment, that was what he wanted it to be.

 

20secs

youknowme:

_I just really need to talk to you. xx_

10secs

whodoctorhere:

_Is this the fucker?!!_

6secs

bendydickcumberbutt:

_i think so.xx_

 

Was it really Zayn?

 

10secs

catssaymeow:

_I don’t need your explanation. You made it clear. –H xx_

 

Harry waited. He looked away from his computer. He knew he was being a prick but Zayn was being a twat.

It updates.

 

1min

upallnighttogetloki:

 _Stop being rude to_ youknowme _,_ whodoctorhere _!_

1min

whodoctorhere:

 _Leave me alone_ upallnighttogetloki _!!!You heard him!!! Get lost_ youknowme _!!!_

55secs

upallnighttogetloki:

_SHUT UP YOU FUCKING TWAT! HE’S TRYING TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT!_

40secs

whodoctorhere:

youknowme _You fucking cunt!_

30secs

youknowme:

_You said you’ll hold on. Now do._

 

Harry rubbed away the tears that were forming in his eyes. He wanted to hold on. He wanted it so bad. But he was expecting Zayn to hold on unto him as well. And Harry realized that maybe he was the one putting effort into this relationship or whatever the fuck they were. Harry wanted Zayn to try harder, to make the curly haired boy feel like he was worth something. Is that too much to ask?

 

10secs

catssaymeow:

_I want to. But you’ve never extended your hand. –H xx_

 

He closed his laptop. And tears silently fell from his face to his mattress. He has to let go. He can’t keep breaking his heart over Zayn, who seemed to be doing fine without him. Harry can’t bear the thought of sleeping alone once again but he will learn. The wretched thing was that Zayn will never have to sleep alone anymore because the boy has Perrie.

Maybe that short moment they’ve shared last December was some sort of spin of the moment. Maybe that was all it was destined to be, a few kisses and a warm body to sleep with. Maybe their hearts were beating at the same pace but only for that moment. Everything has their moment and each one –as always− has their endings. It was always a good thing, right? Change.

Harry stared out of the window from where he was sitting on his bed and thought of Zayn and Perrie in bed right now. He doesn’t hate Perrie. She was very lovely and kind and all. He doesn’t hate Zayn either because Harry had come to the conclusion that maybe on the long run Zayn had fallen for Perrie, what’s not to love about the girl anyway? And he laughed bitterly at his own heartache.

The tears had never stopped falling and he was on the verged of a breakdown. He had bottled up everything that now he was on his way to caving in. He had expected too much, loved too much, and it was not a surprise that he was hurting too much. It was how it had always worked, you take what you’ve been giving.

He lied down on his bed, facing the ceiling and tried to remember everything that had happened between him and Zayn. There wasn’t much memory between them so maybe he can move on quickly. But then small as those memories might be, they were very deep. Not the kind where you would share your favorite food to someone or your idol celeb. He had told Zayn of his hopes and dreams, not the ones they say on media but the one that Harry had kept to himself because he refused to give more of himself to the world.

Then there was the blog that Harry wondered how Zayn had found out. He swore to God he had never mentioned the blog to anyone, not even his own Mum. But Zayn had somehow managed to know and that was one of the things Harry would miss. Zayn was particularly not much of a talker but he was very keen on observing and it was magical how he can form words out of someone’s silence. Harry’s unspoken thoughts and worries could never be hidden away from Zayn, and it was comforting that someone can see you better than you see yourself.

The media had said that Harry was Zayn’s rock, when it was actually the other way around. Harry and his other three best friends in the band had always relied on Zayn. The tan boy wasn’t perfect –in an ogling perspective, he was− but he was someone you can count on, sometimes better than Liam. And that was a big deal because Daddy Directioner has always lived up to his name. Not lately, with the whole standing-on-the-edge-of-a-building thing, but Harry hasn’t blamed Liam –the youngest member was worried with the stunt though− because they all needed to loosen up at times, it just wasn’t fair that when they do the whole world had to watch.

Harry let out a deep sigh. Suddenly FUN.’s Out Of Town was loudly playing from downstairs. And Nate’s voice sipped through into Harry’s heart with the lines from the song _…Oh, no. What have I done? There’s no one to keep me warm._

**

Harry had not seen nor had he talked to Zayn. He went home to Chesire to spend some time with his Mum and sister. Gemma, his sister, had been wonderful with all the distraction she had provided for him. Even Lou Teasdale helped and Lux too. The cute little kid had finally memorized her alphabet and sang it to them at the restaurant while they were all waiting for their orders.

It was easy to be lost in the same pace he had before but a part of his mind still drifted back to Zayn. Of course the moving on won’t be easy, he knew that. But what he didn’t expect was that for the feelings not to change, it was still the same. Everytime Zayn’s name is mentioned, his heart would skip a beat and it was great that their paths had never crossed because he knew his heart would fly out of his chest and that he would forgive Zayn and fall for him all over again in a heartbeat.

‘You okay, love?’ Anne, his Mum, asked him on their way back from the restaurant.

‘Yeah.’ He added a little nod and a smile.

They were in the car and his Mum suddenly side hugged him and Harry felt like a little kid again, though his frame was now larger than his Mum. He wanted to cry and tell her everything but he can’t because it was never his style to go and make them worry about his own problems. He doesn’t want to make his Mum more anxious about him especially now that he’d be quite away often because he was helping Alex and Sierra for their new album in LA.

‘Maybe next time I go to LA, you and Robin could join me,’ he said just so he could comfort his Mum because he knew Anne wasn’t convinced with his _Yeah_ earlier.

Anne smiled. ‘Sure, love.’ She kissed his temple and squeezed his shoulder softly. Harry didn’t know that he’d been craving for a touch before but now he does. And a four letter name slipped into his mind again as his craving escalated.

**

It was Valentine’s Day. And Harry heard that Zayn was in LA, supporting his _fiancée._ It was ridiculous how not even fate was on their side. If Harry was in LA, Zayn was in UK. Now that Harry’s back in UK, Zayn was in LA. It was the universe’s joke on them both. Or maybe just on Harry.

 

_@Harry_Styles: Happy Valentines Dayyyyyyy .xx_

         

He had received a bunch of e-cards from his followers. Most of them contain the sweetest messages and some of them are so obscene he can’t help but laughed out loud. He had sent them back a message and posted something poetic on his blog because he felt like it.

 

_‘And in the end, we were all just humans. Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.’ – F. Scott Fitzgerald._

_Happy Valentine’s Day, lovelies! Lots of love and chocolates. –H_

 

He closed his laptop and stared at the variety of chocolates he had spread all over his bad. Not that he was allowed to eat them all, maybe he can eat like a few without endangering his voice. They were on the break but they still can’t afford to get sick, especially not the type that would be concerning their voices.

Valentine’s Day, the only time of the year that Harry had permitted himself to buy chocolates. Like a lot of it. He had Butterfingers, Baby Ruth, Hershey’s (Cookies n’Cream), every flavor of Cadbury, Skittles (it may not be chocolate but was sweet so he allowed that), Tobleron (every flavor too), Ferrero Rocher, and many more. Why all the chocolates? When they were in Japan last November he had learned of this cute fact about the Japanese on Valentine’s Day.

In Japan every Valentine’s the girls gave chocolates to the boys they liked or loved. In some ways it was some sort of confession of feelings and Harry found it endearing because it had been different in his culture. But on March 14, the blokes would give back to the women by giving the ladies presents that is the triple amount of what the lass had given. And he had heard that Koreans, Chinese, and Taiwanese had adapted this “tradition” as well. Though the Koreans had added another one that was still connecting to Valentine’s Day and White Day (March 14). On April 14, those who did not receive anything for Valentine’s Day and White Day must eat Black Noodles.

In Harry’s book it was depressing. Not that he had black noodles before but he was curious what it was and how it would taste. But the idea was still gloomy. Maybe that was what pushed him to buy all of the chocolates, so he could pretend that it all had been given to him.

He had given his Mum and sister a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates. He had sent Lou and Lux chocolates as well. And another box to Paul, it was meant to be a joke but it was some sort of _Thank you_ for all the hard work the man did for them.

When Harry opened his laptop again after watching _Love Actually_ with his Mum and sister, he went to Twitter first. His Mentions were full of Valentine messages from fans. He smiled as most of them offered their bodies to him for Valentine’s. A few had stated that he should get _some_ but not with Kendall Jenner. Harry agreed.

Then suddenly…

 

_@zaynmalik: Happy valentines :) x_

 

And there it was again, the aching in Harry’s heart. It became potent, sucking him into that slight state of depression that he hated.

Before he could idle for too long into that miserable fantasy he went to his blog. And for a few stupid second he imagined himself to be Elsa from _Frozen._ His blog was the ice castle that Elsa had created, a place where he could be free. But maybe not…

 

1hr

youknowme:

_Happy Valentine’s Day, Haz! Hope you’re doing okay ! :) xx_

1hr

whodoctorhere:

_That’s a bit depressing dude!! Have some fucks tonight!! That will heal you!!_

1hr

whodoctorhere:

youknowme _, I can’t believe you’re still here!! Get lost dick head!!!_

1hr

upallnighttogetloki:

 _Here we go again_ whodoctorhere _. Just freaking watch_ Doctor Who _and leave the kids alone!_

1hr

bendydickcumberbutt:

_i’m actually watching sherlock now.and i’m crying.xx_

1hr

upallnighttogetloki

 _That is not a very appropriate show to watch,_ bendydickcumberbutt. _Go find something nice like_ Love Actually _!_

1hr

youknowme:

 _Ha! Heard that Haz?_ Love Actually _! Are you watching it too? I am. xx_

1hr

whodoctorhere:

 _You guys are sooo sappy! Just who watches_ Love Actually _anyways?_

1hr

upallnighttogetloki:

_I do!_

1hr

bendydickcumberbutt:

_same.xx_

1hr

hiddlestonerdruggie:

_Me too… I do wish Tom was in that movie. *cries*_

1hr

dracosmydaddy:

_Felton?_

1hr

Hiddlestonerdruggie:

_No stupid. Tom Hiddleston…_

1hr

Upallnighttogetloki:

_I wish that too!_

         

There were more comments and Harry had read them all. But he was disappointed that youknowme didn’t comment anymore. Another feeling had settled in Harry’s heart as he read ‘ _Ha! Heard that Haz?_ Love Actually _! Are you watching it too? I am. xx_ ’ once again. Why would Zayn watch _Love Actually_? Zayn never liked romantic comedies because the tan boy was the Marvel kid. Harry remembered his argument with Zayn over _The Notebook_ because the older lad didn’t want to watch it again.

But at the almost end of the movie when Harry was crying over Allie and Noah, Zayn pulled the younger boy into a hug and offered the lad some Kleenex. And Zayn kept whispering, _‘They’ll have their happy ending, Haz’_ over and over again as the older lad draw soothing circles on Harry’s back.

Harry wanted that happy ending, the one that Allie and Noah had. But maybe he wasn’t Zayn’s Noah.

Bore he posted the chocolate photo he took before eating some of them.

 

_This is not masochism. I am happy with my chocolates. Bought them myself coz._ _–H_

         

And as always his active followers had posted their comments. Some of them were asking for his chocolates, others congratulating him for being independent and strong. He does feel strong.

**

The next day Harry went to his blog and there was this follower that sent him a private message

3hr

From: orgasmiczayn

_Haz, you’re fave member of the band had completely broke my heart. He had broken your heart too. :(_

Reply to orgasmiczayn

Delete message

 

Harry knew he must not investigate further because he knew what would happen. He knew orgasmiczayn was right. It was going to break his heart. But Harry was human, curious and stupid.

And there it was on Twitter, what people were fussing about.

 

_@zaynmalik: Wicked day yesterday :) xx pic.twitter.com/smNTNgwN91_

 

It was a picture of Zayn and Perrie, almost kissing. The lovely couple looked so in love and at bliss that it felt like Harry’s heart had been burned. It ached not because Zayn was happy, but more likely because his own heart pitied him. It was a slap in his face that he could never make Zayn that happy and that was all he ever wanted, to make the tan boy smile everyday.

So the next day to avoid moping around he went with Ben to the Arsenal game. He hanged out with the people he knew and met some of the fans. He needed time to forget about Zayn and all the unrequited feelings. Well, almost unrequited feeling since his heart kept on insisting that the older lad loved him, even just a little bit. It was a thin piece of thread to hold on to so Harry doesn’t acknowledge it. He should never have.

**

When Monday came Harry greeted Ed a happy birthday. And Tuesday got a bit busy with all the preparations for the 2014 Brit Awards. They’ve all had their clothe fittings except for Zayn who wasn’t around during those times because the boy was in LA.

It was Tuesday night and Harry felt like going out. But he can’t have a bad hangover the next morning because there were many things that needed to be done. Plus, he could have all the fun at the after-party so he decided to stay indoors. But of course, he couldn’t. The night was young.

Harry found himself sitting outside Ben’s doorstep-stairs. The street wasn’t without people but most of them didn’t mind him at all which was what he wanted. He had a thin winter clothes on and he was comfortable. The cold that was making his exhaled-air smoke was bearable so he doesn’t mind the chilly surrounding.

The sky was filled with twinkling stars that he doesn’t often see from his room in Ben’s attic. He often ignores them because he was more captivated by the lights illuminating from the city. He scolded himself for not appreciating nature first before man-made stuff.

‘Haz?’ A voice called and it startled Harry. He didn’t notice the silhouette of the person by the gate because he was busy looking up at the sky. ‘What are you doing out here?’ The shadow moved towards Harry and the boy wanted to get back inside the house. He wasn’t ready for this.

Harry told himself to play it cool. He was Harry fucking Styles, right?

‘Counting vehicles,’ he replied, his tone light. He was trying to be funny but when Zayn stepped into the light and there was no humor on the boy’s face.

Zayn didn’t say anything. The boy just stood there and stared at Harry as if the tan boy was trying to memorize the younger lad’s face. What changes had occurred in Harry’s face while Zayn was away, that kind of searching.

‘I missed you,’ Zayn said, in the same way he told Harry, _‘Don’t leave me’_ while they were at the fire escape stairs. Words that Zayn was reluctant to say but he can’t help but say it.

Harry doesn’t have an answer to that. He doesn’t want to tell Zayn that ‘I missed you’ doesn’t even cover up what Harry felt when the tan boy was away with Perrie. He wanted to punch Zayn in the face and tell him to fuck himself, tell the boy that he didn’t miss him –which would be a lie.

Zayn looked like he would cry if Harry doesn’t say anything so the younger boy simply tapped the seat next to him on the stairs. Zayn slowly sat down, eyes not leaving Harry’s.

And that was how they both end up on the stairs again. Next to each other with that same space between them, separating them so they felt like they were worlds apart. But just like before, Harry was aware or Zayn’s intake of breath and he wondered if the other boy was also aware of Harry’s breathing, and the beating of his heart.

‘Say something Haz.’ The need in Zayn’s voice was punctuated. It was hard to miss and difficult not ignore. Harry was never good with being a snub.

‘What do you want me to say?’ Harry wanted to sound harsh but it came out like a plead instead. He should be mad at Zayn, cursing the boy, yelling profanities. But he couldn’t find in his heart the power to do such because he was tired. Exhausted from all the heartaches and knackered from being broken.

Zayn continued to stare at the curly lad, Harry can tell even if he wasn’t looking at the tan boy beside him. ‘That you’re going to hold on,’ Zayn said quietly. Desperately.

 _Why?_ Harry was meaning to ask Zayn but he couldn’t. He doesn’t want to hear the older boy’s reason. It could be a lie and Harry would believe it in a heartbeat, close his eyes from the truth. He was willing to do everything for Zayn, willing to trust the boy even if it was wrong because Harry was stupid. He was an idiot for Zayn.

‘Don’t let me go,’ Zayn added, the lilt of his voice was the same when he said that he’d missed Harry, when he begged the younger boy not to leave him all alone on the staircase last December. Zayn had always been hesitant and afraid of saying what he wanted, what he needed.

This time Harry gazed back into Zayn’s chocolate eyes. Hazel meeting green. They were back at Harry’s quiet hotel room once again, completely losing themselves in the moment between them and not minding what was happening to the world around them. It was not they were being selfish, it was finding your own voice first before you can hear the other voices that you should listen to.

Harry reached out his arm and his hand found Zayn’s face. The tan boy closed his eyes when the warmth of Harry’s palm touched his jaw, cupping it. Zayn leaned on to that piece of Harry that the younger lad had shared. It was not much but it was a start and Zayn wasn’t the one who complained.

‘Did you miss me?’ Zayn asked, eyes still closed. He was sniffing Harry’s exposed wrist as if he was a vampire smelling the intoxicating aroma of blood beneath the skin.

Harry looked away but Zayn didn’t notice, too lost at the heat in his face and the scent of the younger lad in his nose.

‘I didn’t,’ Harry answered bluntly, gaze fixed on Zayn’s relaxed face. The older boy’s eyes flew open at the reply and panic erased the tranquility from Zayn’s appearance. ‘What if I told you that? What would you do?’ Harry’s look softened but there was sadness in his eyes that Zayn didn’t like.

Zayn let out a deep sigh of relief after comprehending that Harry didn’t mean it. He held on to Harry’s hand, keeping it close to his face. ‘I’ll stick around till you would miss me.’ Zayn gave a small smile and Harry’s heart melt like a chocolate being exposed to the sun for too long.

Zayn’s smiles were always like the sun rising, putting color to everything so nothing was gray or black anymore. The world looked like a better place from Harry’s angle, watching that grin form in Zayn’s lips. It was all Harry had wanted to do, putting a smile on Zayn’s place because it made the younger lad happy as well.

‘So,’ Zayn detached Harry’s hand from his face and intertwined their fingers, ‘don’t let me go yeah?’ He stared at their hands and so does Harry. It was a promised. And Harry silently vowed to keep it even if the odds were against them.

‘Don’t wander around too much yeah?’ Harry said and squeezed Zayn’s hand softly. But he knew that even if Zayn does get lost, the boy will always find his way back to Harry. It was not because the universe was propelling them towards each other but because they’ll make it work. They will not let go, no matter how hard it gets.

‘Happy Valentine’s Day Haz,’ Zayn said as he placed a box on top of Harry’s hand. It was huge but light. And Harry saw that it came from the paper bag which was hiding behind Zayn. How come he never noticed the bag before?

Harry opened it quickly, seeing Zayn’s excitement. Of course, the younger lad didn’t know what to expect and his heart almost lost its ability to beat normally when Harry discovered that the red box with white ribbon actually contained chocolates. They were all heart shaped.

‘Coz you said, nobody gave you chocolates,’ Zayn said shyly, one hand at the back of his neck, his eyes turning away from Harry because he was pulling himself into a territory that wasn’t his. He was doing it for Harry because the younger lad loved sappy things. ‘I hope you like it. But you can’t eat it all because you need to take care of your voice.’

Harry literally leaped into Zayn and kissed the older lad, almost knocking the box of chocolates that was nesting on the lad’s lap. It was risky because they snogged out in the open where someone could easily take a picture of them without their knowledge and post it online. But love makes you do a stupid and reckless thing that was the fun of it.

‘Haz,’ Zayn breathed. He was smiling. ‘You call that a kiss?’ He mocked.

Harry smiled back. ‘Yeah.’

‘Let’s get inside and I’ll give you a proper snog.’ Zayn was smirking and Harry liked what the boy was offering.

‘As long as it’s French.’ Harry giggled.

‘Why don’t you find out?’ Zayn challenged smugly.

With no further argument, Harry immediately sealed the box and carefully put it back to the paper bag. He was on his feet before Zayn could even mutter a word.

‘You do know that the French lost, right?’ Harry retorted arrogantly. ‘The Germans,’ he placed a peck on Zayn’s lips, ‘are more aggressive.’ He stared at the other boy with lust and longing. It was like skinny dipping under a beautiful round moon, sweet and obscene at the same time. That was how Zayn always made him feel, secure yet constantly at the edge. And Harry was starting to get used to the thrill. ‘So you better do more than French.’

‘Sounds like a promise.’ Zayn grinned widely as he laced his fingers with Harry, glad to be forgiven. He lifted Harry’s hand to his face and pressed the warm palm of the boy’s hand to his face. ‘Don’t let me go,’ he whispered against Harry’s skin as if he was trying to ink it there.

Harry smiled adoringly. It was nice to be needed by someone who was trusting you with something they were afraid to share with the rest of world. It was a huge responsibility, one that Harry was willing to take on. He’ll carry Zayn and never let go of him because you weren’t supposed to give on the people you love especially if you know how broken they are. Isn’t that what it was how it was supposed to be?

 

_Fin._

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated. Thank you for reading! :) xx


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